Before They Hatch: This Ain’t Reservoir Dogs

by shuntheepic

Pulp Fiction

Inglorious Basterds

Kill Bill 2

Reservoir Dogs

These are canonical. Having four of these is a huge deal. They’re great in the sense that lists without them owe slots in their Honorable Mention categories or a lengthy explanation.

The rest of the rest? Deathproof? Don’t mind if I do. Kill Bill? Yes please. Jackie Brown? Don’t sleep.

Tack on the fact he wrote True Romance (True Romance!), delivered a robust presentation in Jet Li’s Hero, and has wandered successfully into  cooperative projects like Dusk ’till Dawn and Grindhouse, and you’re drawing up a resume’ with Doestoyevskian depth. He signed onto Sin City the way Wolverine joined the Avengers. He made Keitel, Buscemi, Fassbender, and Waltz. He casted Austin Powers in a war flick and the world was given a memorable drink order (“Whiskey, straight. No junk in it”).

When he’s got something new for the theaters, you’re going to be there. Because there won’t be anything like it for a while. Because it will be great. Because there is not another Quentin Tarantino.

So perhaps that’s why I feel guilty in having doubts about this:

Is it that Leo’s accent seems to carry the inconsistency of an air-bound Cameron Poe? And while I love both Leo and the Nicholas Cage of the 90’s (“Carla was the prom queen“); the wavering frequency of his voice evokes shakiness on what I expected to be terra firma. Perhaps I’m reading too much into the snippet. Perhaps Leo will deliver as he always (save J. Edgar) has.

And maybe it’s worth noting that the last time we saw a bounty hunter named Django we left the theater disappointed.

And maybe the whole Christopher Waltz as a seemingly-altruistic-vigilante-but-likely-harboring-insidious-intentions crusader seems less impressive now, post-Green Hornet and Water for Elephants, than it did after his stunning massive-audience debut in Basterds. Upon first glance that character appears as transparent as a staff member at Hogwarts.

I certainly am not entirely happy with the Red Dead Redemption font. How hard is it to find unique theme-appropriate handwriting? Maybe it was just me, but when Sony grabbed the Spiderman handwriting for the PS3 I got a little bummed. It’s like pulling a tattoo out of the book at the parlor.

I mean, Jonah Hill turned this movie down . So first of all it got turned down by Cyrus and secondly why was Tarantino offering this roll to Cyrus? Okay, fine, Jonah Hill probably doesn’t deserve that kind of hate. But come on, guy. How are you going to not work with Tarantino? You planning a Get him to the Greekquel?

But most importantly, I think, is the role of Django being played by Jamie Foxx. While Foxx is no longer the bellboy at King’s Tower, and he’s more than proved himself in Collateral and Law Abiding Citizen (and it’s awesome that he’s an idol of a certain Workaholic) are we ready to see him pick up these particularly heavy reigns?

Yet, these reigns were designed to be wielded by similar Hollywood-status-climber-slash-musician-with-sitcom-background Will Smith. So maybe Jamie Foxx is better suited for the role, although the Wild Wild West flashbacks would have been to die for. But what’s more noteworthy? It seems Smith turned this down to do a third Men in Black. A time-travel movie. More like the least fresh prince. So maybe the money was better in the franchise and maybe a controversial, violent role would have sullied the family-friendly star’s career, but surely anyone else offered the role would accept.

Then Chris Tucker turned this role down.

Probably for the best.

But then we got the good news. Word of Stringer Bell being linked  got the relocated Western prematurely ready for a Hall of Fame induction. Unfortunately they couldn’t see eye to eye. Every time I see Foxx in the trailer whether it be with Loc Dog afro or the Purple Reign velour I just wish it was Elba. Idris Elba is as cool as Samuel L Jackson thinks he is. Dude did all of Luther with a hangover and has gone too long without getting a character as unforgettable as Bell. Whenever I drink coffee in front of my class, I try to peer over the brim of the porcelain mug in a shoddy imitation of Stringer channeling the high expectations and burdensome disappointment with the Barksdale crew.

But I am no Idris Elba.

And unfortunately, neither is Django.

It’s still Tarantino, so it will be smart and full and will captivate with sound and visual clarity. It will be one of the best movies of the year, because how could it not be? So inevitably I’ll be wrong and the movie will bring me to the theater for repeat trips. But for now I just want to walk home, downtrodden, kicking small stones along the way.