Before They Hatch: Another CGI Movie

by shuntheepic

It does seem about-that-time for the good Doctor to be the center-piece of the latest Pixar Disney assembly-line construct. The voice is identifiable, and with it comes John C. Reilly rather than an actual unique character. His Hollywood trademark pug-faced self-pity has become universally known; no different than Jack Black with his hyper-active buffonery, Owen Wilson’s smirking charm, Eddie Murphy’s cheek-squishing-grin and boisterous auditory assault. How difficult do you think it was for Larry the Cable Guy to prepare for his role as Mater?

And you have the group ensembles:

Madagascar provides a cautious Ben Stiller weary of the slapstick demons he never outgrew, David Schwimer’s xenophobia, Chris Rock’s family friendly brand of street smarts.

Ice Age offers Dennis Leary’s cynicism and viciousness; Ray Romano’s pensive good-nature and Leguizamo’s spastic playfulness. If the three actors were braving the tundra the dialogue would be identical (potentially with a hair more swagger from The Pest).

Here’s a movie: All the young hornets train in a militant boot camp, but young Theo (Jason Schwartzmen) struggles with society’s pugilistic expectations. He spends his days absconding from menial security duty to gallivant among the aromatic sunflowers. During these daily flights of truancy, he meets and subsequently falls in love with a chicly disinterested bumblebee, Matilda(Aubrey Plaza). But it’s only a matter of time before churlish stinkbug upstart (Jonah Hill) and his frightening-to-children jester (Russell Brand) poison the food source and make all the hornets sick. The stinkbugs begin to colonize and oppress the hornet nest and it’s inhabitants. Theo is seen as a traitor for abandoning his vital responsibility.

Theo has to save the day.

Aziz Ansari ambitiously attempting to woo the queen Hornet seems good too.

Oh, and Johnny Depp plays Theo’s quirky detached friend who’s spaciness implies drug use. He can be a termite or something.

Tim Allen and Tom Hanks as Woody and Buzz were just  two actors playing roles. Maybe Tim Allen’s Home Improvement one-ups-manship  (or as Wreck-It Ralph may joke “1-Up-smanship”) was the lone hold-over. On second thought, that’s not really fair. Buzz didn’t intentionally best Woody and rub it in. Plus nothing comically blew up in his face. Toy Story passes.

But who even played Mr. Impossible? Or Nemo? Or the guy in Up? They were just characters. They anchored stories. Not vapid movies based around interchangable talent, but precious little stories.

So we’re given the John C. Reilly character. Bulging with discontent, disheveled hair havin’, doe-eyed, soft around the everywhere especially the heart…. And he says to the world, “I don’t want to be the villain. I appeal to unmovable truths – specifically the basic human need to be loved but I’mcastasthebadguyandthatmakesmesadandhowwillothercharacterstakemeseriouslylikethis”.

So he’s in a support group, borrowing from Fred Claus and that diet Dr. Pepper commercial, which leap frogs plot device in favor of being a joke machine with a V8 Hemi nostalgia engine powering it through the gates. Sitting at the round table, we have Dr. Robotnik, Bowser, Blinky and a bunch of cameos to toss on screen for the “That’s Sephiroth!” moment.

Also: Was Zangief even a villain? I always thought we were Street Fighting against the unlockable characters. The also represented M Bison and his minions: Vega, Sagat and Balrog. I think Zangief was just Russian. I guess during the Cold War era that was all it took. He was clearly a proletariat avenger. And a whole cheering floor team breaking from their grueling hours within a continually spark-filled factory can’t be wrong. The guy is a blue collar local legend. You don’t think he just wants to see his kids again? You think old age is going to treat this guy well? Zangief is Russia’s answer to Rocky and you’re making him out to be Ivan Drago. Shame on you. Shame on all of you.

From here they reload on fan support. Combining Star Craft, Call of Duty, the Glee woman, Mario Kartting through Candy Land, insufferable dialogue with Sarah Silverman and we’ll call it a day after Ralph has to implement his powerful wrecking ability to achieve something heartwarming. Or maybe he’ll choose not to.

Come on, guys.